On to the next round

I was about to take a re-test this morning to see if I already have a 2nd line. I was quite anxious about it that i actually dreamt about it! 

Then I went to the bathroom to take the test because I was so pee-ish already. I prepared the test and pulled down my undies. 

Bloody Red! 

Disappointed. 

Sad. 

Okay. 

At least I ovulated. 

In Your perfect time Lord. 

On Monday

I texted my OB. I told her the hpt was negative. And she said I should re-test on Monday. 

C'mon baby Bee... Let us see that 2nd line. :) 

A Real time update...

It's a negative. For now. 

But it's not over until Aunt Flo comes. 

And it won't come. 

In the mean time... Life will go on. And I'll continue to trust God. He knows what He's doing. 

And the winner is...

So I'm waiting for the five minutes to be up. 1-5 minutes according to the instructions in the packaging. 

Please, Lord, let there be a second line. 

Let there be life. 

O Lord, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. (Psalms 25:1, 2 NLT)

Soul Cysters

I remember one of my favorite Bible verses when I was in grade school:

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born in adversity". - Proverbs 17:17

Having fertility issues can be very depressing, and quite a lot of times has left me feeling alone. I thank God for a very emotionally stable husband. He's been my source of strength whenever I see that single pink line in the countless pregnancy tests I used. He always reminds me of the wonderful plans that God has for us, and that his love for me is not based on my ability to bear him a child. There was a time though when I felt like he doesn't care about the struggles I've been going through. But he assured me that it's just his way to cope with the situation and he feels the hurt I feel. He's just really good in hiding and masking his emotions. Beneath those facial hair is a guy who yearns to hold a baby in his arms. His niece, Sera is a testament to that. :)

One reason, I think, why he can't fully relate with the feelings I have is simply because he's not experiencing it physically. I'm not discounting his role in procreating, but it's not his ovaries that are problematic (he doesn't have ovaries to begin with, so...). He's not the one who has to pee in a cup and wait anxiously for another line to show up in the test strip. He doesn't have to get poked with needles and probing instruments, and take fertility medicines and experience its side effects. And I totally get that he might not fully get it.

It's okay.

You see, One of the wonderful things I got out of this TTC journey is the support and love of my friends. It's good to be married to an amazingly awesome husband (I can go on and on about how much I love and adore this guy). But God in His infinite wisdom knows that I need other people who can go with me through my PCOS battle.

And last year He gave me just that.

I'm not very vocal about my struggles with PCOS. In fact, it's only now that i'm opening my heart to the cyber world by starting this blog. But I think I've posted some stuff on facebook about my problematic ovaries. And that's when Joy and i started talking about it. 

Joy is my former trainer in one of the korean companies I used to work for. We weren't close then. She left for Singapore and I transferred to another company. Then we got the chance to work with each other again. But she arrived in that company a couple of months (maybe) before I resigned.

I got married, then when it was her turn to get married we exchanged messages about her wedding preparation.

Then PCOS happened to both of us. We kind of bonded over it, sharing with each other our struggles and disappointments. It dawned on us that we actually have a lot of things in common aside from our problematic ovaries. So last year, Joy came up with the idea of putting up a blog where we'll both be writers sharing our insights and experiences about married life. I should actually start writing there again.

Just last month I received an exciting news from her. She's already pregnant! Talk about hope! And kicking PCOS in the butt!!!

Black and Yellow! Hurray for the Bees! - Meeting with her after she broke the good news. :) 

What I actually love about her is that even thought we're not in the same boat anymore she continues to support me and check on me from time to time, giving me tips and suggestions on how to get preggo. I bet she'll be a really good mom. :) You can read all about her story here.

See, PCOS is not all that bad. Being in this situation  really sucks, and I would never wish this on someone else, not even my worstest enemy (if I have one). But all the pain and frustration brought along friendship and love. And yes, that's me kicking infertility in the butt!

TwoWeekWait

The infamous TWW. Not for the faint of heart. Nor for those who have low EQ. It's like the marshmallow test for women who are trying to conceive. Only there's no marshmallow.

Tomorrow is my "test"day according to my OB - my CD23 (cycle day); exactly two weeks from the time I had my follicle monitoring.

I bought 3 home pregnancy tests last Sunday, but I already used one last Monday. Because I just couldn't help it. I was feeling weird and thought that using 1 of the three won't hurt. It did. Because it came up negative. But since I've been through the same disappointment before, I just shrugged it off and moved on. At the back of my head I was thinking that it was probably just too early to test.

So we'll see tomorrow.

But you know what's actually weird? Having negative tests using home pregnancy tests. Then having 2 positive tests, 2 separate times with a pregnancy blood test, which actually turned out as false positives. Yes it happened to me. Twice! I wonder what's wrong with my body when it comes to my HCG. Could it be that the tests were defective? Imagine it happening twice.

Anyway, I'll be writing a separate post regarding that. In the mean time, I'm still praying for that second line.

Aha! Moment

So... I'm with a new OB. She's also an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and she's the 7th OB i've consulted with.

Why the 7th? Well, all others, except two weren't fertility specialists. And those two who are specialists are not accredited by our hmo. But I think it's Divine providence/intervention that I ended up with my OB now. She's very organized and she really knows what she's doing. 

The first time I consulted with her, that was back in December, she presented me her fertility game plan. :) 

We started with duphaston to jumpstart my period because i didn't have it for 2 months. Then I took Clomiphene to help with  my ovulation. I've been through the same process before but I didn't undergo any follicle monitoring. 

But my OB has that as part of the game plan so I had it last February 7 (my dad's birthday!) I almost missed it because i didn't follow our schedule so i had to change my plans that day and go from Pasig to Eastwood, then Tomas Morato and finally BGC. 

The timing was just right. Had i missed the monitoring, then i would've missed my precious egg. 

So I arrived at St. Luke's Global City and went straight to CARMI (Center for Advanced Reproductive Medicine and Infertility). I got there an hour early and was actually worried I might not have enough money for the monitoring. St. Luke's is an expensive hospital and if I had a choice I'd have it done somewhere cheaper. I panicked more when I asked a guy who works there about how much the monitoring would cost. He said it was 3k+! I almost got to my feet and left. Turned out he just gave me the wrong information. It was cheaper than that, but still more expensive than other clinics. 

I waited an hour and when i was ushered inside the monitoring room, I actually didn't know what to expect. The only thing i knew was that it's going to be like a transvaginal ultrasound. And it was. But this time they were looking at my follicles. We saw a big one in my right ovary and a smaller one in the left. She immediately said that the husband and I should get down to business and start having sex as I'm about to ovulate. Then I was told to wait outside so she could give me our schedule for our sexy time. She gave me these dates: February 7, 8, 9, 11. 

Now my period had just ended when i had my monitoring, so I was a bit surprised when I found out I was about to ovulate. That means my ovulation would occur within CD 9-14 (i extended the date because I've been having ovulation pains since last night). Hmmm... And I've always thought that i ovulate late because i always get my periods late. 

It was really an 'Aha!' moment for me. 

A friend of mine got pregnant because her OB saw her right ovary with a matured egg just in time! 

I'm really praying for the husband's swimmers to find my golden egg. :) I'm aware of the arduous and fatal journey they take just to get there. It just solidifies my perspective on childbearing as a miracle and something that's definitely worth the wait. :)